Addressing Peer Ostracism

Peer ostracism has occurred in 60% of classrooms in Israel. (Taub Center)

Despite the considerable attention given to peer ostracism in education and the media, effectively addressing this troubling phenomenon remains a significant challenge. There is no magic formula for preventing or addressing peer ostracism, but despite its complexity, there are several key guidelines and recommendations on what to do—and what to avoid.

For two decades, Matzmichim Center has specialized in supporting and guiding educators and parents in addressing peer ostracism. We have compiled several important dos and don’ts to help you navigate and respond to this painful issue.

Understanding the Dynamics of Peer Ostracism

Peer ostracism is a powerful and deeply harmful weapon in children’s social world. It often occurs without warning or any clear reason, creating anxiety and uncertainty about whether- and when- it will end. Many adults carry painful memories of being ostracized as children, so it is no surprise that the issue is a major concern for parents and educators.

In recent years, social media has made peer ostracism even more difficult for those targeted. Online platforms allow it to extend beyond school into a child’s personal space- their phone and computer- and continue around the clock.

Peer ostracism occurs when a group collectively targets a child, either through deliberate exclusion or aggression.

There is often a tendency to describe any situation involving loneliness or social marginalization as ostracism. However, effective intervention requires distinguishing between different situations. A child who is lonely and struggles to make friends, but is not being deliberately targeted by a group, is not experiencing peer ostracism. Supporting that child therefore requires a different approach.

Why do children organize peer ostracism?

Children may offer many explanations, but the underlying motivation is almost always linked to social status:

Those who initiate ostracism are often charismatic and popular children seeking to weaken someone they perceive as a threat to their status. The targeted child may have been their friend until very recently, or may be a newcomer receiving considerable attention.
Sometimes, a child seeking to establish their position within the group demonstrates their power by rallying others against a more vulnerable child and encouraging them to exclude or harass that child.

There are also situations in which classmates feel rejection or anger toward a particular child because of physical or behavioral characteristics—for example, a child who behaves violently, a child who repeatedly disrupts activities, or a child with a disability or other perceived difference.

Addressing Peer Ostracism – Guidance for Parents

One of the greatest concerns we face as parents is what to do if our child is ostracized. The pain and emotional distress can lead us, as adults, to intervene in ways that may actually make the situation worse. It is therefore essential to respond thoughtfully in order to provide the most effective support. So, what should we do- and what should we avoid?

What You Should Do

Help your child believe that the ostracism is temporary (even if it does not feel that way). One of the greatest difficulties of being ostracized is the fear that it will never end. Show optimism and confidence, and reassure your child that the situation can be resolved and will not last forever.
Try to understand how it all began – focus on an empathetic, supportive conversation rather than on what your child may have done wrong. Try to identify the children leading the ostracism. Usually, only a few are leading it, while many others follow or remain silent. Both practically and emotionally, it is easier to deal with a defined group of key instigators than with the entire class. Also explore whether other children feel threatened or are facing similar threats of ostracism. Once your child is no longer isolated and forms alliances with others, they can support one another.
Enlist trusted adults at school – involve a staff member with the professional tools to help, such as a school counselor or social coordinator. In addition, any trusted adult at school can provide an important source of support during this period—whether a custodian, math teacher, or school secretary.
Allow children who participate in the ostracism at school to visit your child after school. Do not question them or make indirect comments about the situation. Allow this informal network of support to develop naturally and at its own pace.
Cooperation with the homeroom teacher and school staff is critical. Parents may understandably struggle with the fact that their child is being ostracized, and their anger is often directed at educators who they feel are “not doing enough.” Especially at such difficult moments, cooperation with the school is essential. Anger and mutual accusations weaken both sides. Genuine collaboration is the best way to support a child who needs you both.
When the ostracism ends, difficult as it may be for parents, allow your child to become friends again with those who ostracized them. Children often understand better than we do what they need in order to navigate their social world.

What You Should Avoid

Do not decide for your child how to respond. The child who has been targeted should play a central role in deciding how to address the ostracism. Ostracism creates a profound sense of powerlessness and loss of control. To restore a sense of agency, your child should be involved in every step you consider taking. Include them in discussions and decisions, and respect their choices even if you believe another approach would be better. They need to feel comfortable with the solution and know that you support and trust them.
Do not judge children who maintain contact with your child “in secret.” The social pressure on these children can be intense. Some may genuinely be afraid even to say hello to an ostracized child at school. Meeting privately after school may be a temporary compromise. Avoid criticizing these children in front of your child. Any social connection that strengthens your child during this period is valuable. If children visit your home, do not initiate a conversation about the ostracism; such connections may gradually help bring it to an end.
Adult intervention must be thoughtful, indirect, and non-preachy. Before adults intervene, the ostracism may primarily be driven by social dynamics surrounding the child who initiated it. Heavy-handed intervention by teachers or parents can give the instigators a reason to escalate the situation, particularly if the targeted child is then perceived as having “told on” them or sided with authority.

Addressing Peer Ostracism in the Classroom – Dos and Don’ts for Educators

What You Should Do

Encourage and help organize a support network (even if it remains discreet) that opposes the ostracism and supports the targeted child.
Facilitate an indirect classroom discussion to build empathy for the targeted child by encouraging students to recall their own experiences of rejection.
Hold a general classroom discussion about ways to intervene and report harmful situations, without referring directly to the ostracism. Children often do not know what to do and may simply go along out of fear. Present intervention and helping others as acts of courage, and provide practical options such as anonymous reporting or intervening and reporting together with other students rather than alone.
Involve the child in activities outside the classroom—such as the student council, school radio or newspaper, a committee, or gardening activities—that provide opportunities to connect with students from other classes and age groups while strengthening their confidence.
Identify sources of support for the targeted child at school. Support from a teacher, an older student mentor, or another staff member the child feels comfortable with can play an important role in coping with ostracism.
Connect the targeted child with other students at school who have experienced ostracism, helping them gain encouragement and understand that the situation is temporary.
Assess whether the child needs individual support, such as help with social skills or challenging behavior.
Maintain regular communication and transparency with the parents. Keep them informed about how you plan to respond and provide reassurance. Effective cooperation between parents and the educational staff is essential.

What You Should Avoid

Do not present the targeted child or their parents as the ones who reported the ostracism. Before your intervention, the group has no real justification for the ostracism. Avoid giving classmates a reason to label the targeted child a “traitor” or “snitch.”
Do not suspend the child who initiated the ostracism. Punishment such as suspension can turn the instigator into a victim in the eyes of the class and generate further anger and hostility toward the targeted child. Although we may want justice, punishment should be effective rather than make the situation worse.

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